Love Stoned: 3 Millennials, 3 Different Views on Love, Relationships & Identity

Jeanette Morrow, Matthew Clay and Molli Sullivan on behalf of Edelman 8095

Marriage, in America, is an institution in decline. And while the 50% divorce rate has persisted for over two decades, the youngest among us who are committing are the one’s who are most driving the seismic evolution of how love and relationships are changing the ways we identify ourselves by choosing to commit and not commit for vastly different reasons than generations before them.  

Currently, 75% of Millennials have never married, compared with just 43% of Boomers when they were the same age (Pew Research, 2010). This statistic stuck out as the most drastic difference between millennials and previous generations within Pew’s all-encompassing analysis of the generation in this February’s report titled Millennials: Confident. Connected. Open to Change. This in connection with Elizabeth Gilbert’s recently released and beautifully penned self examination on what marriage, monogamy and commitment mean to her and society, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, and we knew times were for sure changing. Because the statistic above is just the tip of the iceberg when discussing the changes this generation is enacting on the definitions of modern love.  Sexuality, feminism, human rights, work place equality, education and a new take on child rearing are all new considerations in what marriage and monogamy means to us.

Why should you – the marketer – care? Because whether it’s 2010 or 1910 a fundamental value has not changed: love invents and defines us. We develop our 15 year plans by it, we group ourselves off in social identities through it and frankly it’s the social safety net each and every one of us cocoons to feel that we belong somewhere.  We MUST become literate in these new sensitivities and identity patterns if we want to become relevant within modern America as the standard narrative of a “traditional” family, love and marriage aspirations have evolved - and thus so must you.   

On that note, meet your love literacy tour guides for the generation:

Jeanette, Matthew and Molli. One’s married and surprised she has to justify her decision to wed to her own generation, one is gay and finds it hard to separate love from politics and the other is single and not too eager to mingle, just yet. Each has penned a narrative of what love and relationships mean for them and through their unique lens, each captures a corner of how modern love in America is affecting the most influential generation, to-date:

Jeanette Morrow, Atlanta: 

Marriage is…

About a year and a half ago I said two teeny tiny, itty bitty words with a giant grin on my face (and fabulous peep-toe Christian Louboutin pumps on my feet) to a boy standing next to me: “I do.” What does that loaded proclamation mean to me? Well, a lot more than I originally considered, actually.

The truth is, I agree with the bazillion reasons for those my age to forego marriage – even if only in the interim. Our generation has so many relationship models from which to choose, why would one willingly conform to the antiquated ritual of a boring, monogamous, sexless life (I believe ‘settling’ is the most frequently referenced term) and more so as a woman, choose to submit to a man? Well, contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn’t have to be that way. In fact – my existence is the complete antithesis of the all-too-realistic schema mentioned above.  I’ve chosen a partner whom I respect and he, without question, respects me – why wouldn’t I want to be with him forever?  At the end of the day, marriage was the most organic path for me; it’s what makes me smile.

The most disheartening thing about my decision is the surprising amount of time I find myself defending my unpopular decision to peers. I have found time and time again that once I was labeled as 'married', me and my marriage were put into a confined box. I can’t blame anyone for thinking marriage is a bad idea; we’ve all seen the depressing statistics on infidelity and divorce. It’s quite evident marriage comes with risks.  However, I am still taken aback that, as a generation that loves to connect as much as we do, more wouldn’t understand my preference to connect intimately with one person.

True, this desire for exclusivity in love is not solely a characteristic of the Millennial Generation, but I do give us kudos for completely morphing the way the game is played. After witnessing the two previous generations experience the messy heartbreak of divorce, we’ve decided to proceed with caution… and a bit of cynicism. Those of our generation that decide to or are able to marry now do so with a more realistic set of expectations. Television programming echoes this by premiering programming offering a ‘less-than-perfect’ view of marriage (e.g. The Marriage Ref, Modern Family and Parenthood).  We know the Cleavers aren’t real and even if they were, we probably wouldn’t opt into that type of relationship. As gender roles blur, I am not looking to my spouse to complete my life, I am looking for him to join me in life – a teammate with whom to tackle adventures.

Finally, the million dollar relationship question, “Is marriage the only way?” For this I can only truly speak for myself and my answer is a firm and resounding ‘yes’. I have many people dear to my heart that cannot marry for various reasons and this pains me as I believe that marriage is a relationship “set apart” from others. It is special. It is sacred. And because the love for a spouse is different from that of the unconditional love for a child (or so I hear), married couples have to work on this conditional love every…single…day. It's a challenge - a beautiful and emotional one.

Although my marriage is in its infancy, I have been more sure about this decision than any other I have made in my young adult life. Marriage is a grossly underrated gift and, if you chose to receive it, my final comment is simple: It’s worth defending.

Matthew Clay, Chicago:

Take me out of the game, coach!

It’s hard for me to write a POV on modern love and relationships without immediately contextualizing that I’m an openly gay man.  In fact, I’ve written and re-written this essay 4 times in the past 2 hours and it feels misleading not to outright claim it as a pivotal source from where my commentary flows– which is in of itself a stark talking point, no?  I’ve been out as a gay man for almost 9 years now and I feel like I just need to retire from the relationship conversation – take me out of the game coach! I’m so tired of the discussion of my “right” to share the same matrimonial air as “heterosexual” couples that I can’t even feign interest in the topic anymore.  You could stick Sarah Palin up with an NRA sash around her waist proposing to shoot-to-kill any LGBT couple that even holds hands in a dark alley and I would likely change the channel to the Food Network and pretend I can eat whatever Paula Deen is cooking. But it’s more than just the surgeon-like dissection into an insanely private and intimate part of someone’s life – one in which everyone feels the hubris to weigh in on – that has me turned off, it’s also traditional marriage constructs in general.   My proclamation to the world, whether you’re LGBT, straight or label-less: Find your own partnership model.

I just kept finding myself getting exacerbated over the right-to-marriage fight and realized I was fighting for something that a) was inherently used to discriminate against me and put me down and b) was over a traditional construct that I found ridiculous.   That second part is important to elaborate on – the ridiculousness of traditional marriage constructs.  We in America are obsessed with finding a partner – so much so that living a life without one (even if you haven’t found that person by age 35 or 40) is silently, yet resoundingly, disapproved.  This is a trend I feel most palpably now as I’m 2 ½ years post-college.  First comes a college degree, and then comes marriage – that’s how things roll, right?  Many couples don’t marry due to this kind of life-checklist inertia but a lot do.  This tied together with the emphatic, Disneyesque, narrative we place on someone “completing” us and becoming a “soul mate” and I can barely find the air to press the eject button.   Apologies for the direct critique, but these two trends noticed within the heavy context that myself, and LGBT Americans like me, are kept out of this institution; an institution that so many people use as a litmus test for overall life happiness and success make me feel set up to fail.  But fail at what? I’m not so sure I know anymore.

In so many ways being out, young and LGBT in modern America has been such a gift.  I bet I’ve internally scrutinized way more about who I am and what I need in a lifelong relationship – because lets face it, I don’t have a choice but to think about it – that I’ve come to terms with the definitions of the type of person I really need in my romantic life to be happy ten times more than the average person.  So just take me out of the marriage game, coach, because I’m sick of thinking about - and fighting for - it.   For when I do partner and spend my life with a man, it will be within a context that is made for me; one that has been hard won and without approval needed.

Molli Sullivan, Silicon Valley:

Not on my “to-do” list

My whole life, everyone has compared me to my mom. “Olivia Jr.” or “The Little Clone,” they would say.  We look exactly alike, have the same mannerisms, same laugh, same voice. Being compared to my mother is an honor, but in reality our differences are as numbered as our similarities.

My mom, a Boomer:

Second-generation Mexican-American, practicing Catholic, married my dad when she was 19 and he was 22. They immediately had two babies. She skipped college (although she graduated at the top of her class) and stayed at home while my dad ran his small business (oh, the American Dream!). They quickly bought a house with a huge backyard and two-car garage. Ten years later, she had my sister, and then three years later there was me. In total, she had four kids by age 33, and last year my parents celebrated their 40^th wedding anniversary.

OK, now let’s put this in perspective:

Me, a Millennial: Graduated early from high school, went straight to college. After two years, left to explore the world and pursued my passion by dancing professionally. Lived on my own, then with friends. Soaked up life with no responsibilities to anyone but myself. Returned to college, graduated, dabbled in jobs off my “beaten path,” then landed an awesome job (Edelman). Don’t go to church but embrace the idea that we are all completely connected. Oh yeah, and I’m 27 and there’s not an engagement ring, let alone baby, in sight. And this is by choice. And I’m really happy.

Let’s face it, my parents are the exception, not the rule. And in today’s day and age, their type of relationship isn’t even the most desired. Millennials want freedom and experiences, myself included, and marriage isn’t always conducive to those ideals. Moreover, the infamous “50% of marriages end in failure” statistic doesn’t exactly encourage our generation to jump into anything. A quick fix – if you never get married, you never get divorced, right? But is that really the solution? Maybe for some.

Do I want to get married? Sure, but only if I find the right person. I don’t need the “American Dream” that my parents had – I’m redefining what that dream looks like, and honestly marriage isn’t necessarily a component. A marriage will only work for me if I meet someone who shares the same values as me, is my best friend and supporter, but isn’t afraid of an independent woman (cue Destiny’s Child). I’m not looking for perfection, I don’t even believe in that. I’m just not willing to settle in order to check marriage of my “to do” list.

And seriously, what’s the hurry? As the famous author Nora Zeale Hurston said, "Marriage will only widen my hips and shorten my life.”